Must Be True

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every damn minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old... as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. I'm starting to wonder how bad four years with no president would be.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19. Procrastinate Now!
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is none-the-less DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (how true)
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Life is too short and friends are too few!

...."Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."
Cherokee Proverb

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Feeling Punny

1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

4. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

5. Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

6. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

8. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

9. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

10. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

11. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

12. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

13. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

14. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

15. In a democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

16. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

19. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

20. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

21. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

22. Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

23. Every calendar's days are numbered.

24. A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

25. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

26. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

27. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

28. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

29. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

30. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

31. Acupuncture is a jab well done.